As An Afterthought

To forgive & forget.

2012-01-28T12:26:00.000-08:00

Today, like many other days, I indulged in a little bit of random thinking. A not so recent conversation with a friend of mine lingered for awhile, and as nomadic as ever, my mind decided to let the thinking run its own course.

We were talking, and somehow we landed on the topic of women. This happened a while ago, so I don’t remember the exact details, only the essence of it. Which is the only thing you need to know to understand where I’m going with this.

And so, it went like this:

Friend: You women remember everything huh..

Me: Well..I guess we just pay particular attention to certain little details more than men..

Friend: Yeah..that’s why you don’t forget things. Women are so sensitive..it’s scary sometimes. That’s why they say not to incur a woman’s wrath. Vengeful women are scaryyy...

Me: Okay, chup. I fail to see the connection here. How did not forgetting turn into being vengeful?

I remembered him making a smart reply, but I can’t seem to recall. The only thing that’s left imprinted in my mind is the little smirk on his face. Maybe I didn’t get to rebut his point, that’s why the thought is still lingering, eager to be voiced out. But anyhow, our repartee went on for some time, but we were already talking about other things that I couldn’t be bothered to bring up this topic again.

Anyhowwww, I digress. My initial point is that he was implying that the fact that women remember things vividly, especially if they’re something not “important” since they’re all in the past, women are deemed..scary, because they tend to be vengeful.

Just because you don’t forget, does not mean you don’t forgive. It’s not like you purposely try so hard to remember those things, but sometimes, just sometimes, you can’t forget. It’s not that you want to hold on to them to seek revenge or something. You just do. Hell, I’d give my right arm if I could forget certain things, but no. That’s just not the way mind works.

It’s like learning something, for example. When you’ve acquired something, say, some knowledge perhaps. After some time, you might think you’ve forgotten it. But you don’t, it's somewhere deep in the depths of your mind, you just can’t recall it now, but it might resurface later. My point is, you can’t un-know stuff. It’s not like there’s a button for you to delete what you’ve already known. Robot ka? And that’s why sometimes even after you’ve forgiven someone about something, you don’t forget. Not because you wanna hold it against him so that he would forever be in your bad-book or something. Takda kerja lain ka? -_-

This is probably why it irks me a wee bit when people say “You have to forgive AND forget!”, stressing especially on the latter. It’s okay if by forgetting you mean to not let it bother you, but more often than not, that is not the case. What happened to me, at least.

Ah, but then this is just my two cents. *shrug*

and i came tumbling after.

2011-01-22T22:54:00.000-08:00

if falling down was a major step to becoming a professional skier, then I'm on the right track to becoming one.

apparently i fell down more than i skied. -_-

but honestly if you ask me if i had fun,

i'd say a double helping of "oh yeaa you bet!"

i've always longed to pull challenging stunts and i don't get that opportunity often. so i was very glad i went.

despite feeling like i've got broken bones and crushed limbs soon afterwards. geez.

i'm not comfortable with heights. so you could imagine me alternately cursing and praying the whole way on the ski lift. gatal nak naik, padahal the beginner's hill kat bawah pun kelam kabut control ski.

honestly i had no idea the hills would be so bloody steep. and yours sincerely, the bravely *coward* amateurish skier looked down the hills with euphoric desire to ski down full speed ahead.

and..down she tumbled. :D

but really it was fun, there weren't many people around and I got back up on my feet the minute I fell and skied and fell. and skied and fell.

the hardest part i'd say was the time to get back up on your feet once you fell. What with the heavy ski shoes and ski equipment, I felt like a sumo struggling to stand up on the slope.

all in all, i enjoyed myself, even the falling part. or maybe especially the falling part. i loved every bit of falling. I mean, the ache and pain aside, i loved it when i skied with great speed until there came a point when i don't feel afraid anymore. heck, i didn't even think.

until i fell down and hurt every muscle and sinew in my body, that is. -_-

but what i loved most was the part where i didn't care that i fell. i don't mind falling down really, just not in front of people. i felt like i lost my inhibition and had all my focus on having fun. just that. fun.

no need to worry about looking like a fool, people laughing at me, or feeling embarrassed.

gravity was temporarily on hold, i was flying, i felt free.

only that i was constantly reminded of how fragile i was when the pain kicked in. dang.

next time i'm gonna master the techniques and practice down below before i'd have the right to go higher up. the reason why i fell was because i had no idea how to make it stop. the more i tried to stop, the faster i went. it was exhilarating, until i realized i wouldn't stop until i actually hit something. or somebody. God forbid. -_- the only way i knew to stop going down was by letting myself fall back. so i did. and it wasn't graceful, i assure you. :D

anyways, here's the map:

skied through lower sandy's run, methinks. the oval part was where i had a major fall. haha. mcm proud je jatuh. i must have hit my head too hard. -__-

the only regret i have is not taking pics. damn, my falling down pictures would be priceless! but on second thought, thank God there weren't any. though i hurt every joint and muscle, at least my pride isn't. heee ;P

Criminology 101.

2011-01-12T22:42:00.000-08:00

For 12 days in a row, I had bludgeoned my mind, senses and concentration with a marathon of 3 seasons of Criminal Minds. And by that I mean, 6-7 hours of back-to-back episodes a day. Needless to say, I couldn't help feeling amazed (despite the fear that comes with it) at the fragility of human's minds and emotions.

I've come to love EVERY one of the characters:

1. HOTchner's lack of emotional display (did I mention that he's HOT?),
2. Reid's amazing store of knowledge and eidetic memory, which makes his ignorance towards popular culture (ie. the Cullens) even more adorable,
3. Prentiss's steady disposition,
4. JJ's dedication,
5. Morgan and Garcia's flirtatious rapport, and
6. Rossi's witty remarks (though sometimes his a lil-amateur-ish acting skills become apparent).
7. And I miss Mandy Patinkin (who played Gideon) too. He just embodied the character as the best profiler so much that I felt the loss when he quit.

Ah. I bet I'm gonna miss the series should ever the producers decide to cut the show. Just like when they stopped airing Ugly Betty. I felt like a part of me was taken away. Sheesh, I need to stop this attachment with TV series. No wonder mata makin rabun.

I'm moving on.

to ANIME now! hehe. as if that's any better -_-

"Scars remind us where we've been, they don't dictate where we're going"

Bullseye.

2010-12-22T21:58:00.000-08:00

sometimes you have great expectations
to the height of imposing degree.
when reality kicks in,
and strikes you bullseye,
you get smacked right in the face
and before long
you find yourself dangling in the air
free-falling
deep, deep,
deep

down below.

Not The Same without Ben Folds. :)

2010-12-09T14:14:00.000-08:00

HOLY CRAP!

Ben Folds is coming to town! He'll be performing at the Overture Hall this January and UW students get discounts.

damn, i wish i could go, he made it look like fun in his Australian concert.

why must i always like musicians that none of my friends have even heard of? (or when they have, (upon my insistence!), they ridicule, claiming that i've got weird taste)

i blame my mainstream-aversion genes.

His new song:

Daddy said

2010-11-27T23:19:00.000-08:00

that I should tell my foreigner friends three things that we (Malaysians) have:

1. oily rice

2. fatty rice

3. imprisoned clothes

i just stared at him as he laughed away.

-_-'

i miss his lame jokes, mama's laughters that usually follow suit, akak's condescending/mocking look (if she doesn't end up bursting into laughter as well).

thank goodness i'm not entirely deprived of these things.

Heil Skype!

.

Of Procrastination, yet again.

2010-11-14T00:56:00.000-08:00

Akak gave me this link. I think it's so appropriate because it really complements my last post.

(a doodle) on Procrastination.

looks like i'm not the only one married to Procrastination. that casanova!

Talak Tiga.

2010-11-12T00:53:00.000-08:00

My mind was brimming with disconnected thoughts that the only words which managed to surface amidst the noise inside my head were "what the HECK was that?"

I knew I screwed up my paper. BIG time. I did pretty well on my first and as usual I didn't put much effort into it which led me into thinking that "gee, why bother study? lets play for a bit" for this one. clever move, athirah. clever. itulah, bongkak. astaghfirullahalazim.

as usual, I content myself with anything else, so long as it doesn't involve studying. i know i have been taking a lot of things for granted, just because i know i can afford it.

we've been married for a long long time now, Procrastination and I. we've been through thick and thin together. Thick when i pleasure myself with entertainment and thin, when i berate myself and hurt my esteem for not getting better marks as a result of not putting on effort to perform to the best of my ability.

It's final.

I need a divorce!

Strip Me.

2010-11-05T23:19:00.000-07:00

i'm only one voice in a million, but you ain't taking that from me.

Natbed isn't blessed with vocals, but her music speaks.

tulibu dibu douchoo.

2010-11-01T20:59:00.000-07:00

a friend of mine posted this on facebook, and i just HAVE to share it!

such confidence, i envy ;p

can i have a word with you?

2010-10-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

it's amazing how simple words can tick you off. words uttered by mindless creatures, comments by thoughtless imbeciles, or just casual opinions of your loved ones.

sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

if only it was that easy.

hands down to these people.

2010-10-17T21:29:00.000-07:00

ah. i haven't blogged for yonks now. to commemorate my first post after months of blog-hibernation, here are two vids i'd like to share. for both vids to be of guitars should come as no surprise.

ever since i came here, i've been feasting my eyes with videos, one after the other. blame the super speedy internet and the fact that there's no restriction for streaming online episodes! ( yeth! :D )

i love Pakcik Per-Olov! he's just so good and his arrangements are among the BEST i've come to know so far.

here's Bach's Air on a G-String on electric guitar. As much as I prefer the original way of playing, I can't help but LOVE this rendition. it's just.. electrifying..? :D

yes, i miss them. be well, my precious ones! do not get rusty.

what a FINE day.

2010-07-26T11:30:00.000-07:00

i was excited when this

became this

that was months ago.

driving had always been pleasurable for me
(if you minus the traffic congestion, potholes, roadhoggers, maniacal drivers..you get the drill)

i never thought that i'd add this to my list;

traffic summons.

yet today i'd been graciously (add a pinch of sarcasm here) offered a traffic summon
simply because i'd forgotten to get that 60 cent ticket.

funny that those maniacal drivers (who drive as if the highways are made to cater for their racing genes) get to be road bullies but remain unpunished.

i guess years of careful driving is meaningless after all. i get punished because i'm forgetful. not because i go against the law. -_-'

and now i'm RM100 poorer. boohoo.

Zoom Into Tokio Hotel!

2010-05-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

i don't care much for celebrities, only their music.

so when tokio hotel came to malaysia, i wasn't particularly excited. but when amy (tokio hotel's HARDCORE FAN!) asked me to go with her and diviya, i gladly accepted. my holiday just began, and in my not-so eventful life *sigh*, a concert is at least something to look forward to. besides, bill kaulitz is such an eye candy, you can't NOT go. (tom too! :D)

a day before the concert, when i was on my way back from my college, i received this text:

then i remembered, i joined the tokio hotel online contest a few days before. i didn't discount the possibility of it being a sham, but i kept the text anyway - just in case.

and thank god i did, because it turned out i won the Meet & Greet passes too! nyahaha. it was a shame that I only won 2 though, or diviya could have joined us. :(

we were there since about 9 in the morning, and guess what? we weren’t the only ones. -_-‘

amy and I share the opinion that many people nowadays seem to display vigorous devotion towards their celebrity idols, but when it comes to religious gatherings, they shy away. i’m looking forward to read amy’s article on that! :)

we waited for the signing session at 11.30 and loitered around OU until the concert. it should have begun at 6pm but probably the organizer’s clock ran out of battery that the concert only began around 7-ish! but on the positive side, I got to say my maghrib prayer, complete with the doa WITHOUT rushing. teehee.

we spent more than 12 hours in OU that day so it’d be absurd if we didn’t depend on the camera to pass the time! nah! FEAST YOUR EYES!

the stage for the signing session!

tokio hotel at work!

my autographed CD

this was the sucky part!

in the state of elation. :)

more pics on facebook! :D

Lame Joke #001

2010-02-15T08:48:00.000-08:00

What do you call money in the laundry?

money laundering. =D

On the perilous road to Otaku-ism. -_-

2010-02-15T07:40:00.000-08:00

i am not an otaku.

that's for sure.

but you needn't be an otaku to collect kawaii figures, desho? : )

so at akak's insistence (and my own intrinsic motivation, i suppose?),

I bought Rin of Fate/Stay Night for akak

in exchange of Yui of K-ON.

People, meet Yui.

How can you not fall in love with this puppy face?!

Hirasawa Yui-Nendoroid Series

Otaku much?

Aww

yui: rin kowaii~

Anime Figures Kazoku. : )

*note: I only own Yui. The anime cd collection and figures of Rin and characters from Death Note belong to my dearest otaku oneechan, Izzati Idrus. (Go stalk her blog! http://www.the-idiosyncrasies.blogspot.com/)

My record as of Feb 15th:

1. So far, I've watched a dozen anime (more or less)

2. I own a figure of K-On's Yui

3. I watch at least one anime episode a day

4. I am somewhat..animated? My expressions (ie daily exclamations) are heavily influenced by anime characters -_-'

5. I could spend hours talking or imitating anime, or just talking to Yui without getting bored

6. My anime knowledge is very limited though, much to my dismay..

Otaku status: WANNABE! Boohoo.

Try harder, Athirah.

Dance, fingers. Dance.

2010-01-03T07:22:00.000-08:00

if i were to follow my heart,
i'd let them play,
let the fingers dance on the strings.
they can bleed for all i care,
let the blood rust the metal strings,
let it be proof
that each vein, sinew and muscle at the fingertips
was stretched, contracted and flexed,
dancing to the rhythm
along with the melody
stringing notes and sounds together
to make songs that
challenge the silence,
deafen and tune it out altogether,
until the music of the song
become the beat of my heart.

Wake Up Call.

2009-12-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

I do realize that I indulge in fantasy much too often for my own good. Slowly but steadily, it has become a habit of mine that I now find hard to shake. Maybe I get all too cozy and comfortable in the back of my mind that I need a knock on the head to resurface to this realm.

I talk to myself. I know I am not the only one. Don’t deny. You do too sometimes, yes? See. But at times, these endless conversations I have with myself take on a toll on my health life, so to speak. The never-ending debates sometimes cost me my oh-so precious sleep. Just when my body sings me an internal lullaby, my mind tirelessly counters with a concerto crescendo when it comes up with fresh new arguments to debate about. Imagine listening to Brahms’s Lullaby. And then getting interrupted by his Hungarian Dance No. 5. Or try listening to Tchaikovsky’s Overture throughout! That’s how my thoughts jump from one to another.

I remember those sleepless nights in INTI. Those times when I stared at the blank white ceiling as if it was the most interesting thing I had ever seen. But I was not without companion. I was comforted by my thoughts. I was not left alone. It got bad though when there were tests or exams the next morning. ^.^’

The constant battles between the drained body and the eager mind. Sheesh! Penat!

Though I claim to know of this bad habit, I was not aware of its.. severity. Until some events took place.

For one, I was in Economics class, as usual trying to analyze what was being said by Mr Robert. Then he asked, “What do you understand from this Philips curve? Athirah?”

I went on about the Philips Curve, talking about tradeoffs, relating the short term relationship between unemployment and inflation rate, the real and nominal variables..thought of all the possible solutions and answers, gesturing about and explaining, and when I was done, I couldn’t help but to allow a little feeling of smug to take over me. I smiled, proud that I could think of such answer.

After that, I saw Robert’s face. He didn’t seem impressed. Why oh why I wondered.

Then I snapped out of my reverie and realized, the whole answer scene was played out only in my mind! And all that in the span of a few seconds!

To Robert and my classmates (a.k.a what really happened), I only managed to smile like a dupe after gesturing about during a short silence that followed Robert’s question that was directed at me.

Boy, I must have looked like a silly mime with the hand gestures.

-_-‘

Time to wake up, Athirah.

INTI Escapade.

2009-11-22T08:14:00.000-08:00

*this was written a week before finals. for the sake of originality, i didn't edit anything. i know you're tempted to point out my mistakes in vocab, grammar etc., but please, behave. :)

I am not comfortable with heights. What made me climb to the highest floor of my college academic block, I have yet to fathom.

With Owl City’s Fireflies blaring in my earphones on full volume, I walked at leisure, my eyes grasping each and everything that was laid out in front of me. There was something melancholic about the atmosphere that made me acutely aware of the surroundings. If there was such a thing like sixth sense, I was sure that I was utilizing it at its best right at that moment.

Ever since the first semester, I’ve had classes only up to the third floor. I have always wanted to go beyond.

That day, I had class at 8 and another at 2. I decided to wait at the library instead of going back. Tired of doing calculus assignment halfway, I packed my things and made my way out. With just my wallet and my phone, I walked purposefully to the stairway nearby.

And so my journey or tour around my college academic block began. With butterflies flying madly in my abdomen, I quickly climbed the stairs. Up. Up. And away. And I was right, I loved the feeling of being on a level higher. Yes yes, call me crazy if you wish, but there was something about the ambiance that made me conscious of everything around me.

I have never seen this part of Inti before. It’s like discovering another facet of something you thought you already know. But Inti’s still a maze to me. Fine, the architecture of Inti’s building’s not the least bit canggih, but I like the fact that the toilets are all chucked away at the corners of each floor. They’re a bit hidden and looking for them makes me feel like Alice in Wonderland. (athirah in Intiland? hm. buruk.)

I walked around each floor and peeped in every class I could. But some classes had glass windows, and walking with my hands at the back, I may have looked like an invigilator to the students inside the classrooms. Oh well.

I came to the realization that Inti was like an institution. I mean, it is, but the concept had never settled properly in my mind before. Looking at the many classes, rooms and spaces, Inti seems pretty big. Like an organization made up of small units patched up together. I feel like an ant in a giant colony.

I felt like a little detective, discovering INTI’s many ‘layers’. I got caught up with my little ‘mission’ that I nearly missed my Calculus class! I managed to get in class on time, but we had finished our syllabus anyway, so we didn’t do much. Still overflowing with my adventure vibe, I then realized that I forgot to take my lunch. Imagine me forgetting my meal. It’s like a bee that forgets its honey! Sheesh.

And that was it, my little adventure. I don’t go up hiking or bungee jumping to get the thrill, but hey, you don’t need all that for an adventure. A slight deviation from the norm sometimes fits the very description of an escapade. : )

half of inti's academic block, from above.

Defying time and gravity.

2009-11-18T08:49:00.000-08:00

Energy.

Three laws of motion.

Physics.

Suddenly Ms Loo comes to mind. She and her ‘alat bantuan mengajar’. Heh.

I remember.

She would pull your hair if you answer her questions wrongly. (or tudung in my case. sheesh)

She would close the doors a few minutes after her class started and ignore you if you stood outside the door if you showed up later than she expected.

She would chase you around the lab if you do not answer her properly or refuse to comply with her weird rules.

She would make all but normal expressions that upon seeing them, you can’t help but smile.

Ah, the lab, science classes, what fun. I miss those days. Reminiscing makes me feel so much older than I already am. I am at the end of the teenage line, another year and I’d be saying goodbye to my teenage years, the years where you take pride when you rebel or go against custom, the years of raging hormones, the years where your actions always dominate your conscience, well at least for most..and then you reach the end of the line and oh, hello adulthood. Ah. Joy.

My heart’s not in it. Growing up, I mean. Is there a place like Neverland? A place where nobody needs to grow old. You get to rejoice in your youth for days on end, nobody tells you what to do, and no one faces consequences. Of course, in this version of Neverland, Captain Hook is non-existent! I belong in Neverland. I belong with Peter Pan.

Anyway, clearly I deviate too much for my own good. What was I thinking again?

Ah yes.

Energy.

Balls of energy.

Have you ever felt this wave of energy, this sudden electric shock that moves through your body that you feel like hopping around, leaping about, kicking someone, talking too much, jumping on a trampoline, laughing out loud..ANYTHING, just about anything, you would do to get it out of your system? No, you don’t want to get rid of the wave; you just want to channel it out. It exhilarates you somehow.

I get that wave a lot. Especially on my first few days of menstruation. I think it’s because I don’t do sports. Or the hormones maybe? But I have the opinion that all the energy I receive from the food I eat is suppressed into these energy balls. These balls, like any other energy, get excited and they build this force so that they could convert into some kind of milder energy. So they channel into some weird voluntary actions or in some cases, involuntary actions, to get out of my system. No wonder I can’t sit still!

I think. -_-‘

Sheesh, physics. I never quite understood. Intriguing, but apparently not enough to motivate me to dig deeper to know more.
Sorry Ms Loo, let’s leave it all to you. :)

Preserving my youth :)

He, who lingers in the depths of my mind.

2009-11-06T07:24:00.000-08:00

Every wise man’s action is marred by insecurity. No one has been able to rid of this uneasy ‘epidemic’, as you may call it. However, he is an exception. He is overshadowed by insecurity. His every word, movement, seems to vibrate with insecurity. In other words, he embraces it as a part of himself. He may appear nonchalant and brave, but insecurity resides his very soul.

I could still recall the very first day I saw him. He was in a reverie, with his mouth curled up in dismay. He sat two rows away from my right. I caught his gaze and threw him my most sincere smile. Was he new?, I thought to myself. I had never noticed him before. I later came to realize that he had always been around. Blame my ignorance if you may, but he too was unnoticeable. He preferred to keep a low profile, maybe.

Why am I writing about him? There is no easy answer to the question. Ever since the day I noticed him, he appears to be a permanent occupant of my troubled mind. I know why his very presence intrigues me, why I fail to shut the butterflies away every time I think of him, but the reason seems so obscure, ludicrous that I end up scoffing at myself trying to comprehend it. Yes, I am attracted to him. By no means am I attracted to him because of his looks, for he lacks appeal as a man.

Laugh or call me weird if you want, but I am very much drawn to him because of his insecurity. I like the fact that he stutters when he speaks, that he trembles when he moves, that he shivers every time he sees me.

He is the epitome of fragility, a flawed being that was never given a second thought to. And yet there he was, always, lingering in my mind’s clouds of thoughts. He is an imperfection, my imperfection, that imaginary friend of mine.

Tete-a-tete?

2009-11-02T19:23:00.000-08:00

Ma: The Giant cleaners told me that they caught a couple

getting 'busy' in the ladies on the second floor.

Me: Eww.

Ma: A Malay couple. Muslims lah.

Me: Babi.

----------------------------------------------------------

Student A: She's coming!

Student B : Who?

Student A: Puan Ooi.

Student B : Where? I don't see her. How do you know?

Student A: I could see her red head from far.

---------------------------------------------------------

Akak : (debating about something)

Abah : (loses the argument)

Akak : Ha! I win!

Abah : Akak, if I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Akak : (debating about something)

Abah : (loses the argument)

Akak : Ha! I win!

Abah : (tries to make a point)

Akak : Bah, if I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

------------------------------------------------------

SL : (looks at me with a cheeky smile)

Me : What?

SL : Kok Leong has the same shoes like the ones you're

wearing. *grins*

Me: Who's Kok Leong?

SL: The one in Maths tuition. He usually sits here.

*points to a chair next to him*

Me: Huh?

SL : The one with the bean face.

Me: Oh!

Celebrating Mediocrity?

2009-10-23T20:47:00.000-07:00

Gandhi, Mahatma.

I don’t know much about him, much less what he advocated. But I saw his picture and quotation which drew immediate attention on my part.

If he were as wise in every other aspect as portrayed by this very quotation, it should not be a wonder even to an outsider like me (who know nuts about him!), how and why he managed to initiate a revolution.

I was fortunate to have come across this picture pasted on the counter in a boutique called Bhaju. And indeed, I have to say that the sales assistants who worked at Bhaju put these very words into practice. Akak, ma and I were very pleased with such assistance that the hours we spent there was not marred even with the slightest annoyance at the service provided.

Aside from the fact that we were thrilled to have finally found nice baju raya, the professional assistance by the workers really made our day. If only everyone in our society (especially those working in the service business) advocated what Gandhi said, Malaysia would definitely be filled with happy and satisfied customers.

Abah often said that most people in our society are willing to settle with “just enough”. We celebrate mediocrity which makes us easily satisfied with what we have, hindering progress to move forward to achieve excellence. I couldn’t agree more. In Islam, there is such a concept as syukur, which basically means to be thankful for what you have. This concept however is normally incorrectly interpreted and used as an excuse not to strive harder.

I was very offended when Malaysia ranked at the bottom in the ‘Courteous Test’ by Reader’s Digest years back. But how am I to deny, seeing that the very people that foreigners first meet when they come here (a.k.a those in service sectors) to act so unprofessionally? It is so hard to even get a smile from them, much less a ‘thank you’, ‘excuse me’ and ‘sorry’. I am not implying this to everyone, but those who are professional only make up the minority and sad to say that in this world, the minority is easily overshadowed by the majority.

My visit to Japan really opened my eyes in some sense. Before going there I heard about them being so polite and I was rather annoyed that people kept on associating them with good characteristics. I decided not to give them credit until I witness it for myself. But indeed, they really were. Once, when I was there, I was happily walking around that I bumped into a Japanese girl. I was blur for a bit but she didn’t even allow me time to be crossed or whatever and immediately offered me a “sumimasen!” instead, with a courteous bow as a complement. And to think that I was the one who was careless and bumped into her. Even the street stall workers never forget to say thank you or forget to greet their customers. And the country was so clean. The street cleaners even looked devoted to their jobs, forgodsake, that you can’t even find a speck of dust to retard the beautiful scenery there.

I used to hate the Japanese and whatever’s associated with them. They were so different a people that you don’t know what to make of them! I mean they’re part of Asia but they’re so advanced in so many things that even the Westerners recognize their excellence to be at par with them. They are not known to be very expressive in nature but when you see their artwork, it’s like they’ve poured out every inch of them inside out. They even have anime and cosplay, things very foreign to other cultures. They are very soaked in their own culture, but at the same time they embrace new ideas and thinking. I have always wondered how such contradictory criteria could exist within a society.

Our tour guide, Kris-san, told us that to the Japanese, their house is their second home. He asked us to guess what their first is. We couldn’t figure. So he said, ‘the country’. It amazes me how people could put forward the interest of their society before their own. I’m in no way saying that they’re not selfish at all, but their love for their country is indubitably great. Look at where they are now. They’re one homogenous society, they speak Japanese all the time. Most of them don’t even understand English. But look at them; other people are actually going to their country, interested to learn their language, their culture.

The ‘hate’ I felt for them I now recognize as envy, compounded with great respect and admiration.

I really do not wish to speak ill of my own country. I love it for what it is, I really do, but I think we are so blessed that we take many things for granted.

It is embarrassing to note that in some ways, I am of no exception.

Am I guilty for celebrating mediocrity? Happily settling at a standard of average, never too 'adventurous' to explore if I could do and accomplish more?

The verdict?

Guilty as charged.

The Ultimate Critic

2009-10-16T23:41:00.000-07:00

I highly doubt that you read my blog, much less this blog post, which I dedicate especially for you, o dear beloved critic. I do not give much to hate, but for you especially, I am willing to make an exception and honor you my deepest feelings of revulsion.

It really astounds me to see how one can be so judgmental, scrutinizing people’s every move and action. Your words of comments, or complaints more likely, are never at end. You seem to be at ease offering your thoughts when nobody requested for them nor wanted to hear any of your ‘hypercritical analyses’.

I do not hate you for what you do per se, but also how you do it. It intrigues me how skillfully you play with words. How you use them to pierce one’s heart without mercy. And oh, what a beautiful smile you have! The sweet curve on your lips which you display proudly after you have fully ‘analyzed’ a subject. In a way, I am fascinated by the way you play with your facial expressions. It’s amazing how much you can leave an impact on your subject just by playing with the lines on your face, how your eyes move when you study your subjects.. I just can’t praise you enough.

Some people are naturally born with certain talent. As for you, o dear critic, you are made to be the one who analyzes. So sharp your mind and provocative your thoughts that no one comes near in comparison. You are the ultimate critic.

In many ways, I am like you. I too, like to choose my subjects carefully. Analyze them to the core. From the way they look, the way they talk, the way they cringe their faces and the way they act. I don’t waste my time for unworthy people to be my subjects. I, too, like you, am blessed with the ability to distinguish and set the people worthy observing and those who aren’t, apart. I think this time, I chose the very best subject available, to analyze.

I chose you.

Too much to ask?

2009-10-12T03:38:00.001-07:00

I am not much of a perfectionist, but when it comes to services, (especially when I paid for it!), I expect nothing less than excellence. I don't ask more than what I paid for, but to me, like to everyone else, I want every one of my cent spent on whatever services, to be worth it.

I am not much given to criticisms and complaints, but you tend to comment, do and hope for the best the things you want to perfect. In this case, with no intention of dissing whatsoever, I feel that I should give a piece of my mind about Malaysians, those in the service sectors especially.

Case #1

My sister and I walked out of the fitting room, happy with our clothes selections and all would be well if one of the promoters had kept his opinions to himself. When we were handing him a couple of clothes we didn't want, he commented to his promoter friend, hinting that most customers went into the fitting rooms, tried loads of clothes but purchased nothing in the end. Just like that, my happy mood evaporated into thin air. Bitchy mood took its place.

Dear Mr. Promoter, need I remind you that YOUR job is to promote, and dishing out customers definitely isn't one of your job requirements. Fine. You've been working all day, you're tired, we get it. But that doesn't justify your actions for being rude. And you were bitching about your customers in front of them? Just like a whiny annoying urchin. How unprofessional! You even look dashing in that tux, like a perfect gentleman. Is it so hard to act like one?

Case #2

I was hungry and when I'm hungry, I expect my food to be ready, fast. Normally, if I'm hungry, I won't be stupid enough to order food that requires much time to be prepared. But sometimes I did, but I was rational enough to allow some time for the cooks to prepare the meal.

A note to waiters/waitresses. First, when we were seated, you didn't immediately come to give us the menu. Fine, we waited. Second, when you finally came, you gave us a look that would make even an ogre bow down to you. We were willing to let that pass. Third, when we ordered, you looked like you didn’t even know whether what we ordered was offered in your shops/restaurants. Fine, we even had the courtesy to point to you the meals in the menu. Then we waited for the food. And waited. And waited. Still patiently waiting. And then we saw another waiter, who looked unsure of what he was doing, bringing an order that looked like ours to another customer, who came and ordered LATER than we did. THAT’S it. The waiting, unprofessional service and ‘famish’ all combined as the perfect ingredients to reveal the ogre (or should i say ogress?) in me.

A professional waiter would:

1. wait for his customers at the door, and the moment his customers walked in, he would immediately offer the menu

2. ask if the customers were ready to order and if it was the first visit for the customers, he would kindly make good suggestions for the meals

3. greet you always, with a sincere smile etched on his face, as if he was BORN naturally with it

4. serve your food on time

5. ask you if he could help you with anything else and if his service was up to your standard

See, I am not asking too much. Compared to the bills I pay, my demands are relatively dismal.

Besides, I’ve met some people with these qualities, which prove that it is not at all impossible to be a waiter of first-class service. You don’t need to work for a five-star shop/restaurant to provide excellent service to usher customers in, you need only be a five-star service provider that would make your customers come, begging for more.

The two scenarios are just two of the gazillions that I’ve experienced. In whatever industry, as long as you’re in the service sector, you need to deal with people. And people have needs to be fulfilled. And they expect you to provide just that.

p/s: It has been a weekend routine for my family and I to chill and have our breakfast at SS2’s Restoran Kayu Nasi Kandar. Why do we keep going there? Simple. The place is very clean, the workers aplenty, the food is served on time and tastes great, the veteran workers especially are friendly and there’s even a supervisor around to ensure the efficiency of their service. Even a mamak can maintain such a standard, what’s the excuse for others not to do the same?

I’m not a bitch, I’m just an unhappy consumer.

"Adik Breakdance, Mama Breakdown"

2009-10-10T04:42:00.000-07:00

omg. saya sangat tensi.

untuk hilangkan anxiety ini, Internet saya layari.

HA HA HA. i really have a knack at crappin'.

anyway, just got back from the third open house at glenmarie. today was just one of the days where you feel like leaping and touching the sky, but you never fall to the ground again. gravity is temporarily on leave and you feel HIGH. like really.

today, i was GAY. >.<

and today Bah was feeling generous too. He treated me with Starbucks Java Frap. (at Ma's insistence as usual) :D

sayaaaang Maaa~

so many cool open houses, there's feast for the stomach and feast for the eyes! good lookin' people galore. ah, today couldn't have been better.

after the open houses, we went to 'chill' at Alicafe, since Abah insisted. fyi, he just learned the word "chill" and he wanted to use it since he undoubtedly needs it to feel young. like when he first started using the word tau takpe. *sigh*. Abah Abah..

yes yes the pantun above, needless to

say, is to remind myself that there's Econs Midterm this monday. and Calculus on friday. and athirah, you haven't touched the bloody books.

procrastination. just one perfect trait to combine with being a sucker in time management.

by the way, Abah's catch phrase for today is as the title says, "Adek Breakdance, Mama Breakdown". I think I need to dedicate some space for Abah's witty phrases. He always comes up with something witty whenever we talk about.. anything!

Anyway, today's catch phrase came about when we were talking in car, on the way to the open houses. Somehow when we were reminiscing, we touched upon the subject of childhood and as usual, my 'breakdance' moment wasn't left out. When I was a kid, I always begged Ma for something. Normally, Ma would entertain me for a while.

But in this case, I was begging Ma to break the fast when I was six. It was already six o'clock in the evening, but I was so hungry to wait for Maghrib to break the fast. And so I begged Ma to let me eat something. Ma tried to pacify me and told me to be patient, but I kept on resisting. Then when I continued, Ma gave up and gave me the silent treatment. She ignored my whining and I started to 'dance'.

Well, not literally mind you, but I was on the floor and screaming and buat perangai and spinning and turning on the floor that it looked like I was doing a breakdance. Ma would get frustrated and so, the 'catchphrase' was born :)

I think it's really cool for Bah to come up with witty words in a matter of seconds. He could link things quickly and just come up with certain phrases that would really fit. I mean, if you know Bah, i seriously think that you'd think he's a genius too. He's bit weird though.

But, aren't all geniuses a lil quirky, no?

toodles.

for now XD

A Monster Without A Name.

2009-09-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

warning: this video is not for people who are weak at heart. or mind. or both.

this video is taken from the anime Monster. within the story, there lies another. pretty disturbing, no?

i don't quite know what the writer is trying to convey, but its unconventional way of putting the whole story together makes it unique. The disturbing element probably makes the story beautiful, somehow.

ah, let my evil thoughts rest for a bit.

A challenge, for the brave.

2009-07-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

Oh, there you go again, speaking so majestically of something which you clearly know not. You phrased every word as if you were the epitome of the subject matter yourself. Who am i to judge you merely based on your heartfelt masterpiece published for the food for thought of the minds of few, you may ask. That is a really good question, if i may say so myself. One to which I too, much to my dismay, have no answer to refute its stand.

You spoke of love, which you claimed to have felt. You expressed the joy of having felt it, and yet every word you uttered-or wrote, rather-of love, of the blissfulness it brought, seemed to be distorted by fear. Fear in response of the insecurity you felt, should you lose it.

If you were not the one who had composed about it, its ironic ending would have been doubtful. But seeing that it came from you, I could only say that that was to be expected of and from you. Yes, i don't doubt the universality of love; love of a parent, a daughter, a son, sister and the like, and not just subjected to the love experienced by couples, as what is normally highlighted by people in general. But to think that you have had the chance of loving somebody other than your family, other than yourself, and to give up on it just because it was unrequited..really pissed me off for some reason.

Well, I am not undermining the 'general love' that you chose to focus on after your-shall i say..rejection?-but it seems to me that you are trying to run away. i am under the impression that you are trying to avoid being rejected again. Correct me if i'm wrong, but really. Am i?

In many ways, I envy you. Always have and always will. Probably. But in this matter, i should say that i'm a little bit disappointed? To have had the chance to love is magnificent in itself. Or so i was told and made to believe by those who have experienced around me. To think that you're ruling out your possibilities even before you give them a try because of your past 'failure' and discarding them to the piling 'general love', is unacceptable to me. i am envious. because i never have and probably never will.

So here i am, calling out to you. No, here i am, challenging you, to give your heart out, to love again. Not just for you. But for me too.

Please.

Give me hope.

Nihongo ga suki!

2009-06-17T05:51:00.000-07:00

Shinjitai shinjitai,

dare no inochi mo mata dareka o kagayakasu tame no hikari.

I want to believe, i want to believe.

A person's life still serves as a shining light for someone else..

Snickers drive me crackers.

2009-06-02T02:35:00.000-07:00

Read the tagline.

HUNGRY? GRAB A SNICKERS

That's exactly what i do everytime i get hungry nowadays.

Thanks to Dr. B who mentioned it during class and made it a part of my everyday diet.

Jeepers creepers. I need tempe. >.<'

Talentime, a review (sort of)

2009-05-08T21:52:00.000-07:00

This has long been overdue, but i feel compelled to give Yasmin Ahmad a tribute.

No. She definitely deserves much more than that for making Talentime the best movie in its own genre.

i'm quite a movie-goer, forever seeking fulfillment in the form of entertainment, but being a picky consumer/viewer, i hold the opinion that great movies are hard to come by. what's with my disappointment with Yasmin's Gubra, with a sceptical mind, i watched the movie without much anticipation.

fortunately, i was wrong. and the rm10 i invested on watching the movie at the cinema was well worth it. my preference for action or fast-paced movies clearly failed to cloud my judgment this time. i must admit, Yasmin really outdid herself for this movie.

the one thing i hate is to spoil a great movie by going into details to people who haven't yet had the privilege to witness the unfolding of a great story. so, to keep it brief, this review is based mostly on what i feel about the movie, not really on what it is.

Talentime really tugged at my heartstrings and i'd be a big fat liar if i said that i wasn't affected by the emotions woven into the plot of the movie. just a simple storyline revolving around the lives of students who participate in a school talentime, Talentime managed to captivate its audience with the clever portrayal of the slice of life for each character.

as usual, incorporating her signature style, Yasmin made it a Malaysian movie by integrating the stories of different races. as for the actors, i must say that the fresh faces in the local acting industry do serve as an attraction for frequent movie-goers like me. New talents like Mahesh, Pamela, our very own One in a Million winner, Jaclyn Victor and others in Talentime did lighten up the atmosphere for a bit. Not that i'm against veteran actors but new actors do invoke a certain sense of excitement, just like new beginnings. The collaboration between them and veteran actors like Adibah Noor spiced up the story even more.

ohh ohh, and the soundtracks are awesome! i think the choice of songs for each scene just fits perfectly. my current favorite is I Go, by Aizat. another one that deserves your attention is Angel, by Atilia. here's the song clip from Youtube.

so..all praise and adulation makes Talentime perfect eh? hm, there were little imperfections but since its overall presentation did blow me off my chair, i'd rather give it credit than focus on the minor details.

for more information about the movie, you can always check talentimethemovie.com.

that's all for the review. toodles :)

The Rise of a Survey Junkie.

2009-05-06T04:28:00.000-07:00

i was happily browsing people's blogs when i came across a survey posted by Saf on her blog page. then it hit me.

i was a survey junkie once. i remember annoying the hell out of my friends for posting a GAZILLION surveys on the bulletin board on Friendster that even if you keep on scrolling the page, all you could see was my posts. wait, even a gazillion would be an understatement. i felt bad but boy, i was convinced that i was on the road to 'self-discover'.

so i kept on posting. :D

this isn't really a survey, just some sort of questionnaire, but anything would do to entertain this 'lonesome maiden's heart'.haha. so here goes.

001. Real name -- Nur Athirah Idrus
002. Nickname(s) --

Tiah, Kakak Brensek (hmph), Volcano, Bumblebee..and loads others. should i add Bullet Train? ;p

003. Zodiac sign -- Sagittarius
004. Male or female -- FEMALE
005. Elementary School -- D'Little Stars Kindergarten
006. Primary School -- SK Minden Heights (Penang), SK Sri Kelana (PJ)
007. High School -- SMK (P) SRI AMAN! yes, was and still an AMANIAN! :D
008. Hair color -- Brunette haha
009. Long or short -- I'd leave that to your imagination
010. Loud or Quiet -- Quiet outside, Loud at home. ahaa
011. Sweats or Jeans -- Jeans
012. Phone or Camera -- CAMERAAAAA
013. Health freak -- YEZZAA :D
014. Drink or Smoke -- Neither nor. refer above la dey
015. Do you have a crush on someone -- crush? haihh my heart is crushed. haha
016. Eat or Drink -- EAT!
017. Piercings -- none
018. Tattoos -- zettai nai!
HAVE YOU EVER?
019. Been in an airplane? -- yerp
020. Been in a relationship? -- er? NEXT!
022. Been in a fist fight ? -- neva, just had a cat fight though. ring any bell, akak? :D
FIRSTS:
023. First piercing -- not applicable
24. First best friend -- Rabiatul Adawiyyah :( me miss you now. eh wait. ke Chu Kai? :/
025. First award --

during kindie years for dancin'. oh yeah, i got the groovee~ ahaha. to think that now i can't even dance without being laughed at by my family for 'entertaining' them. sheesh.

026. First crush -- Hakim or TJV? haha
028. First big vacation --i'd say JAPAN!!! i'd go again again again again and again!
LASTS:
029. Last person you talked to --Sara. haha
030. Last person you texted -- Dib
031. Last person you watched a DVD with --

DVD? do the downloaded ones count?
032. Last food you ate --

Burger Ramlee Special. wahlawei, lazat tak terkata
033. Last movie you watched alone -- Honey
034. Last song you listened to --

Ultraviolet by Stiff Dylans
035. Last thing you bought -- Burger ramlee? haha
036. Last person you hugged -- me amor~ rofl!
FAVES:
037. Food --

ooii..this will take a while..one thing for sure, athirah doesn't say no to desserts :D

038. Drinks -- Green Tea, Rhumba and Java Chip Frappuccino. ooh la la

039. Clothing -- any good shop you can find in OU haha
040. Flower -- hm, none in particular
042. Colors -- GREEN! black, orange and white
043. Movies -- V for Vendetta, Transformers, I,Robot, Talentime, XMen
044. Subjects -- any sub taught by Borges. haha
In 2008, I....
045. [x] kissed someone
046. [ ] celebrated Halloween
047. [ ] had your heart broken
048. [x] went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone
049. [ ] someone questioned your sexual orientation
050. [ ] came out of the closet
051. [ ] gotten pregnant
052. [ ] had an abortion
053. [x] done something you've regretted
054. [ ] broke a promise
055. [x] hid a secret
056. [x] pretended to be happy
057. [ ] met someone who changed your life
058. [ ] pretended to be sick
059. [ ] left the country
060. [ ] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
061. [ ] cried over the silliest thing
062. [ ] ran a mile
063. [ ] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
064. [ ] got into an argument with your friends
065. [ ] hated someone
CURRENTLY:
067. Eating -- Love Letters. haih, why do i always seem to be munching things?
068. Drinking -- green tea!
069. I'm about to -- feel guilty
070. Listening to - sara's songs
071. Plans for today -- sleep
072. Waiting for -- friday!
073. Want kids -- when i feel like it? haha
074. Want to get married -- not really
075. Careers in mind -- social loafer. if ONLY i get paid for it..
WHICH IS BETTER WITH A GUY/GIRL?
076. Lips or eyes -- teeth can ar? ;p
077. Shorter or taller -- i don't discriminate. hahaha
078. Romantic or spontaneous -- i value spontaneity. extemporaneous la katakan ;p
079. Nice stomach or nice arms -- :D wahh
080. Sensitive or loud -- is a bit of both too much to ask?
081. Hook-up or relationship -- definitely the latter
082. Trouble-maker or hesitant -- trouble maker :D
HAVE YOU EVER:
083. Lost glasses/contacts -- nope
084. Snuck out of your house -- again,nope
085. Held a gun/knife for self defense --eek, i'm a pacifist
86. Killed somebody -- ye think if i did, i could be relaxing and posting it in on a survey? peh!
087. Broken someone's heart -- have i?
088. Been arrested -- no..
089. Cried when someone died -- hmm
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
090. Yourself -- i strive to
091. Miracles -- um-hmm :)
092. Love at first sight -- :)
093. Heaven -- indubitably (bak kata David Cook ;p kan kan lyana?)
094. Santa Claus -- no, but i like the idea of it
095. Sex on the first date -- wuish, desperado. nope, i strongly oppose
096. Kiss on the first date -- can you come up with a better question?
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now -- ME familia, thats for sure.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life -- that could be a food for thought fer me..
099. Do you believe in God -- I DO, I DO

BTN.

2009-05-01T21:27:00.000-07:00

"BTN was like hell! BTN was a brainwash camp. BTN was boring."

Bullshit.

If anything I had learned or experienced from BTN, it was none of those.

Okay fine. Those ceramah sessions were a tad boring.

Far from what I had expected, BTN was more like a small eye opener session for me.

True, it did manage to accomplish its mission to instill a sense of patriotism in us (in me, at least), but my my, to my surprise, it impacted me more than that.

Yokatta. I was glad.

SO basically my whole BTN process could be summarized in this:

Pre-BTN

BTN

Post-BTN

BOREDOM. Inspiration instigator? hmm.

2009-03-26T06:44:00.000-07:00

I was, and am still bored

Lights are out here in my college for the Earth Hour thingy and i dunno why i was too lazy to get my ass off the chair to check out the performances they had outside.

But i did watch a marathon of Ugly Betty which had my ass glued to the chair for over 90 minutes! Suffice to say, i annoyed the hell out of my roommate (who was and still doing her assignment. okay now i feel guilty for 1. marring her conducive study environment and 2. not doing mine! hehee) with my endless hyena-like laughters. Can't help it mate, Marc's a charmer :D

Ugly Betty's series is the only thing that keeps me sane here. seriously. i'm losing my sanity more than i expected, what with the forever workload and mounting assignments. this week alone, i had cut back on my precious,PRECIOUS sleep and i made history for 1. sleeping later than my vamp-like friend, L and 2. not sleeping at all on a friday night. wahlawei, i'm amazed at my new-found ability. har har.

Now that I'm done watching up to the latest episodes i have of Ugly Betty, I'm out of wits to think of something interesting to do. i definitely have things to do (ie presentation, presentation, PRESENTATION!), but don't i deserve to devour the sweet sweet taste of life's little luxuries (ie watching Betty, playing music and SLEEP)? come on,

i'm wasting on my precious youth studying and doing assignments. sheesh.

I was tired of feeling bored so i thought of what i did at home to counter my boredom. so i came out with with an edited report of what i did.

Aim: To determine the relationship between boredom and inspiration.

Problem Statement: Is boredom capable of producing inspirations?

Hypothesis: Boredom (somehow miraculously) sparks inspirations in people.

Subject chosen: Athirah Idrus (aka moi)

Method:Flipping through old (cool) pics that were taken when feeling bored.

Results:

When i got bored, i...

went to the mall

ate good food (:D)

played my obsession

experimented and got creative with colors

Conclusion: Boredom does spark imagination and creativity in one's life. Hypothesis is accepted!

Yet another successful experiment by athirah idrus. ms bianca must be proud of me. :D

chalos. me needs to go get a grip and face reality. Adios!

note: the incomplete report is due to

1. guilt, for the 'opportunity cost' for blogging (ie could have completed work instead of

blogging??!)

2. droopy eyes and bed's tempting offer

3. pure laziness :D

thus, i have to rap it up for tonight.

Have you?

2009-03-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

Have you ever looked at someone and suddenly realised that they caught you looking? It's not that you WANT to look at him (or her), but you somehow looked in his direction and lucky you (har har - SO NOT!), it so happens that at that same moment he looked in YOUR direction and saw you "looking" at him.

And then the next time (and the next and the next), you caught him looking at you as if he was interested in you most probably cuz he thought you were interested IN HIM in the first place. Sheesh!

Don't you just feel like screaming "sorry mister, you're sooo not my type"?

Okay, a lil bit kejam, but really.. don't you?

Yup, this whole week, it happened to me. Why oh why do I always get to experience interesting stuff?

Talk about being "lucky". *sigh*

Motto Tooku E

2008-12-12T04:10:00.000-08:00

i wouldn't say that I'm an avid listener of j-pop or j-rock (hence, in no position to compare the songs). however, this one song really caught my attention.

Motto Tooku E by Remioromen.

It wasn't the lead's vocals that captivated me, heck no (i'd say he's not so er..blessed in singing?), but rather the song itself appealed to me. It's some sort of a motivational song; Motto Tooku E actually means Go Further Ahead (or so claimed my Jap-crazed sis) and probably the way the vocalist sang that song..touching somehow. though i initially had absolutely no idea what he was saying, i felt that i could relate to the vocalist's feelings when he sang that song. if i were to disregard his er..singing 'talent', i'd give a thumbs up for the way the vocalist sings and for the song itself. it's better if you listen to it yourself rather than letting me do the judgment for you. here you go.

Redemption.

2008-11-20T08:59:00.001-08:00

His heart ached so much that he came to the point of breaking apart. His recent victory of refusing to raise the white flag did nothing to boost his ego. In fact, the little incident seemed to shatter his self esteem and pride altogether. Who would have thought that someone of his disposition, a narcissist, who cared nothing more than his own welfare, one who thought the universe revolved around him alone would actually be on his knees, as he was right now, begging for sympathy?

No, no. He was definitely not known as the one with affection, for others knew him to be quite the opposite. He was not ruthless or vile, for he did have a heart. A cold one rather, but it was sufficient nonetheless to make him almost human. If that was possible.If ever he did display any kind of observable emotion, it was his little smirk that never left his handsome face. The little crease above his jawline that never failed to retard his smooth complexion.

That night, however, he did not attempt to mask his emotion as he crawled towards the emaciated figure in front of him. All he could feel now, was remorse. Something he never bothered to care before. Now though, he let himself be. He drowned himself in compunction. Contrary to his belief, his ego did not make him stronger. It, instead, consumed him from within. Little by little, he felt himself longing for forgiveness. And for once, he allowed himself to yearn for it. Only forgiveness would mend my heart. Whatever's left of it.

"You're forgiven. Now, we're equal. You don't owe me anything, as do I you".

She spoke with such conviction, such authority, that did not match her frail-looking figure. It still amazed him how strong she had been, after all the things he put her through. Her earnessnest made her beautiful somehow. At the moment, he wanted to hold her close, have her all to himself but his contentment to have heard her saying those two words had him paralysed.

Fresh tears rolled down his cheeks. Like rain pouring down a barren land after a long drought. You're forgiven. That was all he needed to hear. He knew then, that he finally got what he needed. He found solace. And that was all that mattered.

Our Dreamland.

2008-11-20T08:57:00.000-08:00

i dont know you. we both live our own lives, different separate lives. yet i long, long to hear you talk, to talk to you, to share my laugh with you, to hear you breathe, anything just to be near you. you and i, we both share our own small secret world. our very own dreamland.

i had never imagined we could go this far. i feel so close to you, so close that i feel like losing you. sometimes when you wander off on your own, to the secret parts of our dreamland, the areas unknown to me, im left neglected. the more you wander off during the cold nights, the more you usher me away. away from you. in a way, you made me display my taciturn self, forcing me to create my own small world, only to myself, like the one you made for yourself in the deep core of our so-called dreamland.

dont get me wrong. ive never blamed you. i have no one to blame but myself. ive never ever stopped waiting for you to come back. back into my arms. i left the porch light of our cottage in our dreamland on. so that you wont get lost. so that itll guide you home. but you never came back.

few times you did. drunken, though, with the madness of the world, your side that id never seen. with that, you punctured a hole, a big gap on our land. you, instead, create a great barrier between us two. as time passed, you went out wandering each night, until the night you never returned. i understood. our small world isnt enough for you. youve always wanted more, always so ambitious. i understood, that was why i let you go. that was why i didnt stop you, though that was the time when i needed you most. i knew, by letting you go reaching your dreams, i made you happy. and id never be more happier seeing you, feeling you happy.

but by letting you go didnt mean i didnt want you back. that never stopped me from waiting. oh yess, i still wait. and not one night went by without the porch light on. to guide you home. because i believe that youll come home one day. i want to believe.

a part of me went with you when you left. ive let go a part of me, the time i let you go. its plain obvious isnt it, that ive let you go, but not completely..

Parents. believe it or not, they rock!

2008-11-20T08:55:00.000-08:00

i'm spoilt. to say i'm a brat, that is certainly out of the question. my parents have taught us well, my sister and i. it took me years to finally understand the meaning of my parents' sacrifices. maybe i do not comprehend it fully, but i know how to value it, at the very least. someday, maybe i will understand my parents, their unreasonable lessons, their irrational fears, the day i have my own children.

my sister and i have lived a rather lavish life. my parents couldn't stop giving us what we need, try their very hard to fulfill our wants in their own mysterious ways. somehow, they manage to avoid us from craving for things, because we normally get what we want. but in their way, of course! i can happily say we get almost everything we ask them, but never without conditions. we normally cringe and complain when the word "..with condition.." is mentioned, but we always obey them anyway. in order to get what we want, obviously. but the conditions they make, how ludicrous they were/are, seem to have a magical effect on us. Tolerant they are, my parents always spare a room for negotiations. Through this method, I now realise that they are encouraging us to have our own opinions, no matter how dependent we are.

Even though my sister and I engage in quarrels with our parents every now and then, I now realize that they always hear us out. I mean, you won't notice, I bet they don't even notice this but most of the time, my parents listen to us, they actually accept if we tell them they're wrong, provided that we are telling the truth. I mean, tell me, how many old people, or parents accept when their own children tell them they're wrong? Even if it takes them a long time to finally admit that they are wrong, my parents surprise me everytime they do so. I'm out of words to explain how they manage to teach us without us realizing.

I'm proud to have such parents. They've brought us up in a condition where we get things we want and at the same time, learning how to get them on our own. Learning how to get things on our own, achieve things and feel deserved getting them. my parents spoilt us, without really spoiling us. i cant tell you how much i love them dearly.

Irony

2008-11-20T08:53:00.000-08:00

sometimes, in times of finding someone new, we neglect our old dear ones. but after awhile of joyride, when our new boat is rocked, we are snapped back to reality, and we will go back to our faithful old buddies. but we will never give up, because we know, deep down, our dearest buddies will always welcome us back, regardless of how ignorant we've been. no, make that selfish. regardless of how selfish we've been. we have faith that they'll always accept us with open arms, because they never left. we did.

its true then, when ppl say "sometimes what we're looking for, is right where we left it.."

The Traveler.

2008-11-20T08:49:00.001-08:00

This isn’t a story that has been born from my imagination, but it is a story that I wish to tell. If I am not mistaken, I had come to know this story from an anime I had once watched. Although clearly it is a work of fiction, I am still troubled by the very outline. I had watched this story for quite a while now, so bear with me because I do not remember it in details. Fret not though, for the outline is the only thing I wish to highlight tonight. If my memory does not fail me, the title that was given to this particular story I’m about to tell was “The Stupid Traveller”.

There was once a rich traveller. He loved a lot of things but took a particular interest in travelling. On his usual travel, he brought along a backpack and a lot of food and certain valuables with him. On one fine day, he began his journey by walking to a village. In the village, he saw a poor old man who was begging for food. Other than his richness, the traveller was also known for his kindness and generosity. Instinctively, he offered the old man some of his food. The old man immediately gulped down the food and greedily asked for more.“It must have been weeks since he last had a proper meal,” the traveler thought. The traveller was more than happy to help. So he gave more food to the old man.

Before long, his tale of generosity spread among the people of the village. While the traveller was continuing his journey, a woman who recognized him as the rich traveller began to feign poverty and asked him for money. Ignorant of the woman’s true intention, he gave a large sum of money to the woman. Soon after that, more villagers came to him and beg for help. Although he had begun to run out of supply for his travel, the traveler never bothered to ask for help from anyone he saw.

He always believed that his generosity would bring him reward one day. Along his journey, he never refused whenever a person or an animal begged for his help. He realised, the more he helped, the happier he became. Little did he know that everyone was just taking advantage of him. Although he was a grown up, he was oblivious to the world’s maliciousness. To him, as long as he helped someone in need-or so he thought, he would be happy. Whenever he helped anyone, a sincere smile would form on his beautiful face.Halfway along the journey, his supply ran out because almost all of it was given to other people.“It’s okay, I will survive”

On his way, he met a badger and asked for directions. The badger promised to tell him if he gave all of his clothes to it. The badger told him that he had not any shelter and the cold breeze had him freezing all night. The traveler then gave the badger all of his clothes-not out of desperation for direction, but simply out of sympathy. True to his words, the badger gave him the direction.

“The only way for you to go back is by going through the woods,” the badger said with a cunning smile on its face.The traveler then walked into the woods to find his way home. What the badger failed to tell him was that the woods were home to the most evil creatures on earth. They fed on anything that moved. Upon seeing the traveler, the creatures called up to him. And yes, the creatures were not only evil, they were cunning too, and they had heard of the traveler’s generosity. The leader of the creatures told the traveler that they were hungry, and if only the traveler would be kind enough to give them food. The traveler told them that he would if he had, but as they could see, he had nothing to offer them. The leader then said “True, but you are still in a good state. How about if you give us your hands so that we could feed our poor rumbling bellies?”

The traveler then agreed so that they would not be hungry. However, after eating his hands, they asked him for his legs. Again he agreed, and they ate parts of his body heartily. They asked him for more until there was nothing left of him. Even though the traveler was in so much pain, he was happy that he could help everyone he did and that he would not die in vain. A smile was still etched on his face, until his soul left him.While many claimed that the traveler was stupid, others thought it didn’t matter because he felt contented and happy until the end of his life. As for me, I think he was pathetic. He may have the heart of an angel, but definitely not the one with brains. It was happiness that he sought, but there are many other ways he could do to gain it. Yes, I didn’t enjoy the story either, but until now, it is one of the stories that I will have a hard time forgetting.

Tempting Temptations.

2008-05-22T08:09:00.001-07:00

My my, another round? Maaan, I feel like an addict.

Another "addiction" =)

Being in an environment where you get to loosen up a bit with a Java Chip Frappucino is an awesome feeling. But nothing beats being in the environment with a great companion by your side. Thank you Rushie sayang. I've missed you loads.

An awesome evening with your loved one in a supercool environment, and having a friggin cute barrista to serve you.. God, I've had too much luck today. haha

Mama's Cancer.

2008-05-20T08:47:00.000-07:00

I was lucky I didn't understand cancer when my mum was diagnosed with it. I was lucky in the sense that I don't have to worry if she would make it-or not. I was barely two. Mama told me I was running around, happily playing with Akak while she was on the hospital bed, obviously unaware of her suffering.

Mama had always been a strong woman. I wonder sometimes, had I been there, and I could think the way I could now, would she let me see her cry? She told me she didn't feel sick, it was thinking about cancer that was the real challenge. At times, it was so unbearable for her that she felt like just letting it be. She was tired of fighting and maybe it was really time for her to go. But then, there's us to think about. She fought because of us. When she thought that we would be living without a mother, she knew she had to fight. So she did. And she survived.

That happened a long time ago. Many of you may wonder, why I had brought up this topic, why now? I had been doing a lot of thinking these days and the cancer campaign was one of the reasons that made me think about Mama's cancer. Because Mama survived, I wasn't and am not deprived of a Mama. But what if something bad happened, and Mama didn't survive, nauzubillah, that He decided to take Mama away that time, how would it affect me? I keep on thanking Him that I don't have to bother thinking about all this because He lets Mama survives. I am lucky for a lot of reasons. But this in particular, I am forever grateful. I am lucky. I am so lucky.

Of Ball and Coelho.

2008-05-15T08:14:00.001-07:00

Ha, I have finished reading The Sword and The Scimitar-finally! I must say, though I enjoyed every bit of it tremendously, the ending was quite predictable. But really, David Ball is a GREAT writer. somehow, the historical background and the outline of the story appeal to me.

Now, I'm moving on to a new book by Paulo Coelho. No no, it's not his bestseller The Alchemist, much to my dismay. It's Veronika Decides To Die. So far it's interesting but I can't elaborate much since I'm only on page 66. Hee. Even the title seems catchy. That was why I picked it up from the bookshelf. The title was "screaming" Pick me, pick me!

As you can see in the picture, I bought 6 of Coelho's books and another 3 by other writers at the MPH clearance sale. For each book, I got around RM 10 rebate, I was all over the moooon~ Well, not that I paid, but still, the thrill gets to me. Thank you, babah!

Book lovers, feel free to ENVY ME. :D

A Tummy Tribute.

2008-05-13T07:44:00.000-07:00

As ridiculous as it sounds, my tummy deserves more than a tribute.

If I could apologise to any part of my body, I would definitely be on my knees for my tummy (if that's possible).

My love for food has made me neglect you, oh dearest tummy. I've been stuffing you with all those fast food, carbonated drinks and many others, which I can't even remember, regardless the time and place.

However, I shall not vow to eat less for my love for food stands unbeaten. Even so, I promise I will TRY to eat more good food, at regular times. See, I'm willing to sacrifice. :D

Some of the "good" food I've trashed into you, tummy:

Dome Espreski Honeycomb Goldrush, my substitute for the much-loved Rhumba Frappuccino.

Green Goes Gempak.

2008-05-11T10:13:00.000-07:00

finally people, my own street show. haha ;p

I like this picture. Credits to Amiirah (yes with the double i :D). Thank you for putting this picture up in your blog and for snapping it in the first place. I don't have to feel so vain for snapping my own 'potrait' all the time. ;p

Had a fun time stuffing ourselves to buncitness, didn't we Amiirah? And thanks Dee for the calorie-ful cake. lol.

Dee, the happy chick okay i look horrible but what the heck? Ira was with me =)

The golden lining in my cloud.

2008-05-11T08:57:00.000-07:00

"Ma, bah, I'm sorry, but I didn't get the JPA scholarship"

Upon seeing their expressions, Shakespeare's Life's Brief Candle lingered in my mind.

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
that struts and frets his hour upon a stage..

If I had my "fretting moment", this would be it.

I kept a cool and steady face when I finally mustered enough courage to tell them. At first, I thought of keeping this from them, but they had every right to know.

As I feared, they showed me the only emotion I never wanted to see, but still I had to. Though they flashed me the briefest look of disappointment and sadness, it still managed to crush me to the deepest core. However dejected they were feeling, they quickly shoved it aside and tried to make me feel better.

"But it hurts. Because I got good grades, and I knew that I did well during the interview." Right there and then, my voice cracked and I could hold it no longer. All the sadness I tried to contain, came out rolling with the fat, salty droplets of water down my cheeks.

I toyed the cutlery on the table to relax myself but the more my parents tried to console me with kind and sincere words, the more sorry I felt. Sorry I couldn't make them proud of me. They have been the best parents they could be, always trying to fulfill my needs and wants, and I wasn't even able to get myself a scholarship for them to be proud of their daughter.

"It's not because of you, adek. Remember that. Maybe it's because of the course you chose or maybe my salary played a part in it"

They came with every reason they could, back up plans for my future, to cheer me up a little, make me feel better. And I did. Not because of the kind words they showered me with, but with the love I felt. Always, always, however dumb I'd be feeling for getting or in this case, NOT getting what I want and need, they'd always be there, supporting me through and through. I'd always be their adek, the one they'd always love and protect.

Today, right now, I have a reason to be sad, I deserve to shed some tears. But I have more reasons to smile, to be happy. Because I am surrounded by magnificent people, who'll always care for me. I am contented, yes, but that does not mean I will surrender. I will do my best and get myself sponsored, even if I won't, I'll be the best in my field and make the sponsors who refuse me regret and feel the loss, simply because they didn't see the diamond among the gems. The diamond that I am.

I was only a little dismayed that I had to announce that I had been rejected by JPA on Mother's Day. I tried to make it a special day for Mama. In the end, she and abah were the ones who made me feel special. They are superbeings, my heroes.

He does not burden any soul with more than it can bear, Al-Baqarah: verse 286

He didn't give me the scholarship I very much wanted, He gave me special beings instead. He is the best planner after all, and I believe He has something better for me in store. InsyaAllah.

Cuppacakes, anyone?

2008-04-29T04:04:00.000-07:00

If each year is to be represented by a food item, I'd say 2008 would be the year of Cupcakes. I have not the slightest idea of the culminating popularity of this small, cute cakes but cupcake shops have been sprouting like mushrooms, from what I noted, since the middle of last year (in Malaysia).

I must say that I'm not so much of a dessert person but what attracts me most to these cuppacakes is the frosting and of course, the creative decorations on the cakes. Most health conscious people like myself who still want to enjoy the goodness of cakes could heave a deep sigh since we don't have to feel that guilty devouring the small sized cakes. (Smaller size, less calorie, hence, the guilt) Though I must admit, eating one cupcake is not enough for me. There goes my diet. ^^'

Thrilled by the "commotion" these cuppacakes have roused, my family and I went round to taste the best cuppacakes in town.

Here's a cupcake from Aseana KLCC. It was delicious, but to me it tasted more like a brownie than a cupcake.

These are from Wondermilk. I love the frostings! The cute decorations never fail to make me salivate.

Cupcakes in black and white. Just for extra effects.

I've had my first cupcake at Ms Read's Delicious and I like the gummy bears on the cupcakes. Though I must say, I very much prefer the frostings of the ones by Wondermilk. I couldn't upload the pics of the cupcakes from Ms Read though. I guess I'll just leave them to your imaginations. :)

Drama Queen, am i now?

2008-04-29T03:53:00.000-07:00

You're so full of it," says Sara."Full of what? Shit? Oh yeah, I am shitty," I teased."Drama. Don't deny. It's all written all over you. You are the drama queen. You put Susan Mayer to shame, you know that?"

It had never occured to me that I was dramatic until the day Sara spat out those words straight to my face. Dramatic. Who is she to call me that? How dare she? Just because I enjoy action movies and adventures, doesn't make a drama queen! Well, I do thrive on adventures, thrillers and wish sometimes that I was on an adventure to somewhere exotic and unknown and whatever. You get the picture. But hey, I am NOT a drama queen!

Just as I walked along the road, waiting for my mum to pick me up from school, there came a kid running down the road. Late for class i assume. Fall, fall! I imagined her tripping over and falling flat-faced, all bloody and blistered. okay. Maybe I am sick. ^.^

Reality Bites

2008-04-29T03:48:00.000-07:00

im not going to kid myself anymore. i keep on hearing stories about triumphs, success and self-discovery and each time, my crave to self discover grows. all this while, ive been blindfolded and been fed with an artificial dream of finding myself. heck, i dont even know what self discovery means. sometimes i feel empty, and thats when i have faith to believe and have a wishful thinking that i will someday, be whole.

i keep on living my days with the hope that i would find my 'use' in this world. but each day as i pace through life, i feel emptier. i keep on wondering what life has in store for me, what my purpose of living and why am i a human, not an animal? why am i born a lady?

frustrated, i always find an alternative route to escape this reality, this realm. books like tuesdays with morrie, five ppl u meet in heaven, one more day or other poignant books keep my curiosity at bay. sometimes i feel lost. fine, make it all the time.

sometimes i wish that life was easier. that there'd be light guiding us to find whatever we need.

mean it. literally.

anime: Love Complex. A must watch!